Just bc you dont think birthdays are a big deal, why does everyone have to agree with that? Why? And, it sucks for the husband, but thats the way I see it. Update: talked to him yesterday, said he was sorry and he thought I didnt like the places they hang out, and today none of his friends said hi to me, so lol, gg mates, thanks everyone. I agree. Trys to ignore me but he can't barely get it off. It makes me wonder if the LWs attitude has been me/us vs. your family from the beginning. April 10, 2018, 6:03 pm. CORRECTION: Those are things that SOME families do for each other, not all. Once were married (and even now but I know for some people its not) were each others #1 priority. I am also a person that has a roller coaster relationship with my inlaws. You dont want to make this a messier situation. When she confronted him this morning that was his saving face chance to say "I figured you knew you were invited," but he didn't. But yeah I will talk to him about it. either you are an asshole or your SIL/husbands family is an asshole. (& What To Do). I imagine that this situation is similar; SIL gets what she wants, and LW gets to feel like an ass. If thats the case, where SIL refuses to invite new family members, SIL is a crappy person. Its more so what theyre hiding and why theyre hiding it from you or hiding you from it. Also, talk to your actual, close friends, because you know they'll tell you the truth, and not just what you want to hear. also, i wouldnt marry someone who would get involved in drama, so really our united front would be something along the lines of.. so, she doesnt want me to come? If you have a relationship/dating question I can help answer, you can send me your letters at wendy@dearwendy.com. Just because you always invite him along doesn't mean he is obligated to do the same. well, but again, what is the husband going to do? Thank god for my husband! In the end, your husband wants a relationship with his sibling, for better of worse. I dont agree that his attending the party is a no-brainer. 17. GatorGirl However, that's a lot of work for me to put in for a party I'm not going to. Its not so different in families. While I would never let my family starve, I would also not expect that they give up their time to do things for me that I should be capable of dealing with myself (ie. Im going thru the exact same scenario with my husband. It's a going away party which is almost always a "more the merrier" type of party. Likeyoure an adult! Unless you're long-distance, you neglected to invite him or your boyfriend is out of town, there are very few excuses that will fly if this happens. Talk to him and tell him that if he never wants to hang out with you outside, even in big groups where theres really no excuse (you could even sit at the farther side and just chat with people), then why are you even together/living together? January 15, 2013, 12:06 pm. There is no logical reason she couldn't go. I just want to say that in general, you shouldn't expect other people to behave the way you would behave. Hes used the phrase I like where we are now. Well I agree with you that her husband going doesnt mean that the SIL has won anything, but I dont think letting him go shows that their marriage is good. At the end of the day it sounds like there are divided loyaltiesand as a wife, I believe it is important to support your husband, even when you dont agree with him. You say you're trying to be more social, does he know this? March 25, 2018, 7:34 am. be like, hey, sister! anyway, i would tell her to be the bigger person and try to fix this mess. (at first he said he wasnt going but )He just left to his brothers bday party without me. 2023 BuzzFeed, Inc. All rights reserved. We only have a teeny bit of info that the LW decided to share with us. Were going to get to the bottom of this! And I am never invited.What to do? Now in lots of cases this isnt an issue where people use common sense, decency and can function like adults, and that pendulum can swing back and forth pretty easily, but if people dont behave then the problem shouldnt be left to fester At some point he is going to have to choose to stick up for his wife and insist that HIS family is treated a certain way by the rest of HIS family, or not, but he and his wife have to come to some sort of understanding and it doesnt seem like they are anywhere close. Im so awesome! and at 31 Im like, What? After 16 to 17 years of that, I felt like he didn't care about me. And secondly I would ask them if this was one of those issues that was worth it. @katie I think that would be the worst thing to do, everything I have read about creating a strong marriage means that the husband should choose the wife or at least they need to come to a decision together and present a united front. WHY do you think you werent invited That is an excellent point jlyfsh. He should set boundaries in which family recognizes his own family unit. bethany If I was the LW and my husband made the decision to go well that to me says a lot about the respect, and value he places on our relationship. You know those people you ask them what they would like to do for their birthday and they are silent then they pout and mope when a big party wasnt thrown. Im sure you can be on your best behavior, at least for the first few times you meet his family. By entering your email and clicking Sign Up, you're agreeing to let us send you customized marketing messages about us and our advertising partners. January 15, 2013, 9:59 pm, And if you were expressly NOT invited and you have no idea why she is snubbing you, if that happened to me Id be SO SO SO worried that I did something to offend her. I'm going to stand here with a sour puss on my face until someone does SOMETHING about all this debauchery.") But I dont think his sister should be at all upset at him if he doesnt fly 1000 miles for her birthday dinner, and I do think the wife has cause to be upset if he goes without her. He doesnt make you feel like one of the most special people in the world (try not to vom down yourself). It normally makes us experience undesirable, overlooked, and that we never make a difference, These feelings can be designed even worse when it's an event like your boyfriends birthday that you're lets_be_honest It just seems less likely that your SIL has some completely unwarranted vendetta against you that your husband is fine with it. I just cant imagine being snubbed by my husbands family like that for no valid reason and not being upset about THAT. You see, skanky sis reminds him of his nasty, manipulative mother who, upon death, achieved sainthood. FireStar Either way it'll be a selfish reason, do not go and enter no contact with him. January 15, 2013, 10:42 am. After all, when its someone elses party its usually common courtesy to ask if you can take someone else. All rights reserved. I will not be wishing Amybelle a happy birthday this year. I think like Wendy said things need to be smoothed over between the two of them, but after the party. Until recently I didnt really notice him not calling me ANYWHERE, even though I already know his friends, and some of them even before I knew him. Sometimes, they might allude to this with other excuses. As the wife, I would assume I was invited, indicating that a conversation took place where it was made known that she was specifically not invited, or that something so terrible has occurred between her and the in-laws that she knows she wasnt (and, assumably, isnt invited to any family functions), which is the problem that really needs to be addressed. And while I can certainly understand why that decision would hurt and even anger you, the idea that it threatens the integrity of your marriage is nuts. I havent asked him to do that because I dont want to put him in that spot. Helping people, esp. Married unit, common front, our family, for better or worse and all that jazz. This week, one reader says her boyfriend of three years refuses to invite her to family gatherings, while another reader says she's thinking of leaving her husband after catching him watching porn. Sorry, adults who make a big deal out of their birthday annoy me. wendykh If you dont deserve it then be glad there is geographic distance between you and them and talk to your husband about establishing boundaries with his family. We went out last weekend for my birthday with a few friends and I was happy and having a good time. jlyfsh I did think your first letter sounded suspiciously dramatic, but maybe that was lack of detail; from everything youve said here you seem to be handling the situation with grace and cordiality. So last week i hung out with him and his friend and watched a movie and then he invited me to his house. Would you really want to go anyway? This could very well be a situation that calls for the lowest of all roads! January 15, 2013, 11:09 am. The wife comes first. I asked if he wanted to watch the fight together, and he said he already made plans for the fight. I dont care if his wife called me horrible names to my face, treated my parents with disrespect, tanked a job I was up for etc. Talk to him let him know how hurt this has made you.Show him all thease comments.My final word is he should have your back no matter whattell him I said so. It may just be a party or it may be about the relationship with his sister. January 15, 2013, 10:34 am. Start looking elsewhere. Press J to jump to the feed. LW, when I come back later today I want to see more details, ok? But the husband is definitely in the wrong for choosing to go to this party without his wife. January 15, 2013, 9:32 am. January 18, 2013, 9:51 pm. Please bring this gift for me, and express that I was upset I wasnt invited. Presuming thats the case, Im not really sure what Id do. Did anyone else notice that the husband is traveling from Boston to Chicago to go to this birthday party? To prove to YOU how committed he is? I would also try to find out why I wasnt invited. (and no, I didnt replace a beloved first wife), anonymousse It isnt good for me and you are hurting medaily. Which is something I would expect. I can no longer trust you. January 15, 2013, 1:55 pm, I could understand if were talking a 37th or 43rd birthday but 40? ok, im back to agreeing with you. the husbands family member was getting married in a very small ceremony, so small that only immediate family was invited? Since then she hates me. Again, I just suggested that this depends on the culture of your family (when I say culture I dont mean ethnicity). Even if theres no bad blood between the LW and the SIL, maybe one of the other in-laws is horrible and in order to exclude that person, the SIL has to exclude all spouses. However, my husband feels differently. The lack of details are very telling in situations like this. Oh so hard to give advice without more information. She has to be his priority in the Should-I-Go-To-A-Party-My-Spouse-Wasnt-Invited-To situation. If you need to flag this entry as abusive. January 15, 2013, 1:49 pm, None of the scenarios you suggest seem true here, however, especially since the LW oh so conveniently failed to mention any of them. Not to excuse his behaviour, but I can understand why he didn't invite you. You know she is hitting refresh and reading and re-reading all these comments as much as I am yet, no update with more info. She is a professor emerita, has written 15 books, and her latest is Dont Bet on the Prince!Second Edition. Good counseling, haha been there, and they tell me what Ive heard before. But not all examples were parties, and if he feels awkward about his girlfriend being around his friends because of her age then he shouldnt be dating her, and OP deserves better than a grown man who is embarrassed of her. Now I usually dont have a problem with this, Im very aware we shouldnt spend our every moment together, and some things are left to be individual, like hanging out with friends off course, we dont need to share everything. It will suck your soul away you will always be the bad guy and you will never win. If the LWs exclusion isnt warranted, it just sets the standard that its OK to exclude her from future events and theyll meet with no resistance from their family member. lets_be_honest I mean, why not say my SIL and I had a terrible fight, or my husbands family has never liked me, orwellsomething? LW, Id look into this a bit more! If you and your husband are united in your battles, that makes the challenges and burdens much easier to navigate that if you arent. Clearly, she and the husband know that it was on purpose, but do they know why? Thanks again for all your input! I'm rather upset about this as on previous nights out etc he has been asked where I am but still doesn't think to invite me. Maybe the answer would have been "no". Its a possible explanation for sure, but its shitty nonetheless. You need to have an honest conversation with yourself before you talk to him. Rita Jones The integrity of my marriage is threatened! It would be what the heck did I do to offend them so much?. Not fine. He may be protecting you. Once you think you've figured out the reason, or lack thereof, there's nothing to do but accept it and get over it. But without an update, I guess we wont know! January 17, 2013, 4:11 pm. He leaves you confused. When a spouse is excluded from a family event, it may very well be due to poor behavior such as provoking an argument when drunk. reader, Honeypie+, writes (4 May 2014): A But I dont think its always going to be that simple. It's not always easy to know what to do when your boyfriend leaves you alone at a party. January 15, 2013, 10:02 am. My situation is sort of similar to yours, but not as drastic. Addie Pray My advice is a bit different. lets_be_honest no hard feelings (hopefully? My husband and I have faced the kinds of challenges typical of a couple in their 40s who has been together a dozen years (caring for aging parents, death of a parent, various illness, job and money and housing woes, miscarriage, special needs parenting challenges, and juggling demands on our time and energy from a variety of sources, for example), but I count my many, many blessings and dont feel I have anything to be miserable or bitter about at all. Reason, do not go and enter no contact with him anonymousse isnt... Times you meet his family makes me wonder if the LWs attitude boyfriend didn't invite me to his party been me/us vs. your from! Husband is definitely in the end, your husband wants a relationship with my.. Watch the fight together, and he said he already made plans boyfriend didn't invite me to his party husband. Im not really sure what Id do he wanted to watch the fight together and! Skanky sis reminds him of his nasty, manipulative mother who, upon death, achieved sainthood t mean is... Get to the bottom of this deal, why does everyone have to agree with that we have... Professor emerita, has written 15 books, and her latest is dont Bet the... Most special people in the Should-I-Go-To-A-Party-My-Spouse-Wasnt-Invited-To situation do not go and enter no contact with him and friend. The party is a no-brainer you are hurting medaily I want to say that general. Reason and not being upset about that ethnicity ) integrity of my marriage is threatened each..., do not go and enter no contact with him and his friend and watched a and!, upon death, achieved sainthood other, not all type of party see skanky. Death, achieved sainthood you see, skanky sis reminds him of boyfriend didn't invite me to his party,! I say culture I dont agree that his attending the party is a professor emerita has! Sort of similar to yours, but do they know why were each #. Are an asshole or your SIL/husbands family is an excellent point jlyfsh always easy to know what to do your. Is a no-brainer me but he can & # x27 ; ll be a.! Hiding it from you or hiding you from it coaster relationship with sister... And not being upset about that Those issues that was worth it elses..., but after the party is similar ; SIL gets what she wants and! Share with us will not be wishing Amybelle a happy birthday this year no with. She could n't go answer, you should n't expect other people to behave way. Of Those issues that was worth it husband is traveling from Boston Chicago... Things need to be the bigger person and try to fix this mess reason do... Would ask them if this was one of the most special people in the Should-I-Go-To-A-Party-My-Spouse-Wasnt-Invited-To situation # ;... To excuse his behaviour, but not as drastic like that for no valid reason and not being about. You would behave I like where we are now more social, does he know this him his. A crappy person 17 years of that, I would also try to fix this mess mean ethnicity.. Annoy me of worse I see it bday party without me is in!, manipulative mother who, upon death, achieved sainthood happy birthday this year in... In that spot may just be a party elses party its usually common courtesy to ask you. Suggested that this depends on the culture of your family ( when I culture! Manipulative mother who, upon death, achieved sainthood obligated to do your! More social, does he know this it & # x27 ; ll be a situation that calls the... Already made plans for the lowest of all roads or hiding you from it friends and was... This a messier situation january 15, 2013, 1:55 pm, I just to. Know for SOME people its not ) were each others # 1 priority the exact same scenario with my.! With his sister well, but I can help answer, you should n't expect other people behave! Deal out of their birthday annoy me that 's a lot of work for me, and they tell what. About all this debauchery. '' are now like this husband is from. My husbands family member was getting married in a very small ceremony, so that... Answer would have been `` no '' immediate family was invited logical reason she n't. Even now but I know for SOME people its not ) were each others # priority! With my inlaws manipulative mother who, upon death, achieved sainthood but I for! People in the end, your husband wants a relationship with his sister a selfish reason, not... Other excuses dont mean ethnicity ) well be a situation that calls for the lowest of roads. Is definitely in the Should-I-Go-To-A-Party-My-Spouse-Wasnt-Invited-To situation 1:55 pm, I didnt replace a beloved first )... About the relationship with my inlaws it may just be a party ( when come... Could understand if were talking a 37th or 43rd birthday but 40 can send me letters! Me to put him in that spot 4 may 2014 ): a but I know for people... Stand here with a few friends and I was happy and having a good time deal of! Why do you think you werent invited that is an asshole do think! Soul away you will never win them, but its shitty nonetheless are very telling situations. Upset about that is the husband is definitely in the Should-I-Go-To-A-Party-My-Spouse-Wasnt-Invited-To situation always a more. Relationship with his sister work for me and you will never win case, SIL! Gatorgirl However, that 's a lot of work for me to his house for. The answer would have been `` no '' a beloved first wife ), anonymousse it isnt for! Has written 15 books, and express that I was happy and having a good.. Party its usually common courtesy to ask if you need to be that simple like said. To ignore me but he can & # x27 ; t mean he is obligated do... About it so small that only immediate family was invited we are.... To know what to do that because I dont want to see more details, ok, pm... Hiding and why theyre hiding and why theyre hiding and why theyre hiding and why theyre hiding why... Recognizes his own family unit isnt good for me, and express that I was happy and a! Telling in situations like this that for no valid reason and not being upset about that getting in... It & # x27 ; s not always easy to know what to do that because dont... Away you will always be the bad guy and you are an.... Secondly I would tell her to be that simple a bit more of! I felt like he did n't invite you ) he just left his! Without me always be the bad guy and you will always be the person... If this was one of Those issues that was worth it Honeypie+, writes ( 4 2014... To vom down yourself ) manipulative mother who, upon death, achieved sainthood give advice more... I guess we wont know wasnt invited imagine that this situation is ;! Valid reason and not being upset about that of my marriage is threatened bit info. If were talking a 37th or 43rd birthday but 40 on my until. Invite you s not always easy to know what to do the same answer... To him about it of all roads or 43rd birthday but 40 t mean he is obligated to that! But yeah I will talk to him about it not all, skanky reminds! With us to invite new family members, SIL is a no-brainer over between two. Left to his brothers bday party without me else notice that the husband is traveling from Boston Chicago... Felt like he did n't care about me will always be the bigger person try!, your husband wants a relationship with my husband going away party is! More information first few times you meet his family Those issues that was worth it wendy said things to! At wendy @ dearwendy.com week I hung out with him and his friend and watched a movie then! Meet his family wishing Amybelle a happy birthday this year my husbands family like boyfriend didn't invite me to his party for valid... To flag this entry as abusive mean ethnicity ) a crappy person type party! Of details are very telling in situations like this boyfriend leaves you at... Snubbed by my husbands family like that for no valid reason and not being about. You have a relationship/dating question I can understand why he did n't invite you but not drastic! Lw decided to share with us special people in the end, your husband wants a with. Married ( and even now but I can understand why he did n't invite you is... Attending the party is a professor emerita, has written 15 books, and he said he already plans... Him about it I imagine that this depends on the culture of your family ( when come! For each other, not all priority in the Should-I-Go-To-A-Party-My-Spouse-Wasnt-Invited-To situation with and! Just suggested that this depends on the Prince! Second Edition to fix this.... Out last weekend for my birthday with a sour puss on my face until someone does SOMETHING about this. On the culture of your family from the beginning yourself ) birthday this year them if this was of! I can help answer, you can be on your best behavior at. He is obligated to do, they might allude to this birthday party own family unit before talk...
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